REDMOND (CNN) -- As protesters clash with police in nearby Seattle, a decision has finally been made in the drawn-out battle between software giant Microsoft and the Federal and State governments of the United States. In a suprise move, newly self-appointed judge William Henry Gates III, has decided that the United States must be broken up to prevent further abuse of its monopolistic power to legislate over the software industry.
Citing the Clipper Chip, key escrow, encryption bans, and the repeated attacks on Microsoft itself, Judge Gates determined that the only long- term solution to the power of the US Federal and State governments would be to break the United States into smaller autonomous regions, much as was done to AT&T when they were found to be a monopoly.
The new countries will be OutlookLand (New England states), WordLand (southern States, excluding Texas), AccessLand(midwestern states), ExplorerLand (southwestern states), MicroLand(Northwest), ExcelLand(Texas), and DisneyLand(California). Hawaii and Alaska were not included in the plan, nor did the decision refer to the status of Puerto Rico or Guam. When asked about this, Judge Gates referred to the discrepency as a "bug" and said it would be fixed in Decision 2.0.
[OK, so this is a bit dated now. I first sent it out to friends in 1999 (and forgot to keep a copy for myself, thanks Alice for keeping it around).]
Still, it seems strangely pertinent to the recent news.
[Originally published on July 23, 2001 on my long-defunct Manilasites blog]