Captain Ordinary

I want to create a new superhero.

He’s going to be exactly like Captain Marvel except that instead of saying “Shazam!” he’s going to say “Zapdoodle!”

And instead of being Aryan he’s going to be vaguely multi-ethnic.

And instead of battling generalized injustice he will fight a specific injustice, like homelessness or suburban sprawl.

And instead of having popular support people will mock him and try to have him arrested.

And instead of having a uniform of red spandex he will have a uniform of random clothes from Salvation Army.

And instead of having a sidekick he will have his sides kicked when he sleeps on the street.

And instead of having a secret identity, people just won’t really care who he is.

And instead of being young, tall, athletic and arguably handsome, he will be short, pudgy, and middle-aged, with a pronounced limp.

OK, so he’s not going to be much like Captain Marvel at all.

But he will say “Zapdoodle!”

In fact, he may not say anything else, ever.

The 419 Economy

Hello, my name is Sergio Arragones and I am writing to you for assistance in a matter that will be of great economic benefit to us both.

My late father was VICE PRESIDENT of the large American investment bankerage of Bear Stearns and he managed to put aside over two billion US dollars of bailout money from the puppet government of Mr. George Bush.

Unfortunately, he was killed in a incident of ROAD RAGE when his bullet-proof Mercedes convertible was driven into the bomb barricade of the New York UN Building by the SUV of an off-duty Police Officer.

While my family is still grieving over his tragic death, and attempting to get the suspicious circumstances investigated, I must act quickly to move these funds to your Nation for safekeeping. As a Citizen of the Monarchy of Canada, you may receive these funds for me until I may cross from New York State to the Province of Quebec, at which time you will transfer the funds over to me, keeping 10% (TEN PERCENT) for yourself, along with my Gratitude.

In order for me to transfer the Fund to you, you will need to create a PayPal account for this purpose. Do not use an existing PayPal account, as it may already have been compromised by nefarious hackers and BotNets. Also, you will need to download the Python libraries which allow you to code to PayPal directly. In addition, you will need libraries for Google Checkout the Atom Publishing Protocol.

On a server under your control (the server must be physically located in the Sovereignty of Canada. THIS IS IMPORTANT) you must set up a WSGI server. You may use Django or TurboGears for this, or use the reference WSGI implementation. I recommend you use PYTHON 2.5 or greater as many of the tools you need will be part of the STANDARD LIBRARY.

Once you have the Foundations of a Web2.0 server administered, contact me at the return address of this message and I will give you instructions on how to proceed for the transfer of funds.

My family thanks you.


Dr. Rev. Sergio Arragones, Esq.
New York, NY
United States of America

In his house at R’lyeh Corner dead Pooh lies dreaming

As most modern readers know, A.A. Milne did not write Winnie the Pooh, but translated it from an ancient Sumerian text. Not only was Milne a poor translator, he also took broad liberties with the result. Tragically, the only extant copy of the text, which he worked from in th cramped basement of the British Museum, was destroyed in a flood in 1954. That was thought to be the end of the matter.

In 1986, during routine excavation of a Bronze Age village in Syria, performed primarily as training for Archeology students at the University of Brisbane, several papyrus scrolls were found sealed in pottery jars with lead stoppers. It has taken years for the crumbling scrolls to be recovered, using digital technology, Chromatic Tomography, multi-depth x-rays, and fibre-optic cables originally designed for intestinal surgery, but translation efforts have begun on the first fragments to be captured.

Dr. Isaiah Spencer, of the Museum of Modern Archeology, who is leading the translation project, tells us that the original scrolls were called, “The Pooh-that-is-Winnie: A bear of very little Ka.”

Very little of the manuscript has been assembled, and even less has been translated, but one example passage reads,

The Black Pig of the Woods with a Thousand Young said, “It’s hard to be brave when you’re a Very Small Elder God.”

The Disney Corporation has announced its plans to sue the University of Modern Archeology, and all associated persons and institutions, for copyright violations. Disney owns the international copyrights on Winnie the Pooh, and enforces their ownership very strictly. Lawyer Laurence Lesspig, of the Open Content Defence Fund, maintained that copyright does not extend to artifacts from 3000 years before Christ, but a spokesperson for Disney replied that they would let Congress and the courts decide.